By DOUGLAS JEHL
WASHINGTON, Oct. 25 - A new legal opinion by the Bush administration has concluded for the first time that some non-Iraqi prisoners captured by American forces in Iraq are not entitled to the protections of the Geneva Conventions, administration officials said Monday [and thus might be transferred out of Iraq].
It is possible that some of the prisoners transferred out of Iraq may have been handed over to friendly governments, like those of Egypt or Saudi Arabia, in a procedure known as rendition. Another possibility is that they were transferred to the secret American-run sites around the world that have been used since the Sept. 11 terror attacks to house the highest ranking Qaeda detainees.
Such transfers have been used by American officials in the past three years in part to subject suspected members of Al Qaeda and the Taliban to interrogation practices harsher than those permitted under the Geneva Conventions or under American law.
However, administration officials denied that anything bad had happened to those who were secretly transferred. "They're gone, but they're OK," explained National Security Council Aide L.P. Hovercraft. "In fact, they're very happy. They had to go away, but they went to a better place."
Asked to describe this 'better place,' Mr. Hovercraft said "Let's Just call it Shan-gri-last chance for the recalcitrant. What's it like? Well, it's …. Uhhhh… nice. It's full of daisies and bunnies. It's like a farm. Yes. That's it. We took them to The Farm. No! A farm. "A" farm. With bunnies. Yes, lots of bunnies."
Kimberly Toddlekins, Age Three, then asked why the detainee man had to go away. Mr Hovercraft replied "Well, it's like what happened to Scraps. You remember your dog, Scraps? How he wouldn't tell us where he buried the commander's cell phone? And how he got sick when a staff sergeant petted him too hard with a two-by-four? And Scraps had to go away to the Doggie Hospital? Well, it's like that. Sometimes a person is sad when we ask them questions, and then they get sick, and then they get sicker, and then it turns out that they have valuable information inside their heads that they just will not give up no matter how many times we ask. And then they have to go away until they feel like talking."
When little Kimberly asked about the Geneva Convention, the nice man said "Why, you silly! You're not afraid of the Geneva Convention, are you? That's just a story that bad people tell to make you sad. There is no such thing… see? Nothing under your bed but dust bunnies… no treaties here….let's check the closet… no treaties here. But if it makes you feel better we'll leave an oil well burning as a night light so you won't get scared by that mean old UN or by low oil prices."
In an attempt to console little Kimberly, Mr. Hovercraft assured her that she could not only have a new puppy but also as many detainees as she wanted, if she would take care of them and make sure they confessed to something every day. Otherwise, they might get sick and have to go visit Scraps.
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Remember, Kids, the part in bold is actual 100% news-flavored media product.
The rest is the fakey part.
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