As we were reading this, one phrase caught our lustrous brown eyes:
Further, only those activities that are considered reasonably foreseeable are analyzed in this Proposed Environmental Impact Statement. Ballistic Missile Defense System programs that are largely conceptual are not analyzed in this document.
To clarify: Events that are analyzed for environmental impact:
--Missile exhaust emissions effect on atmosphere.
--Noise of launch effect on surrounding wildlife.
--Possible dispersal or burning of unused propellants when spent stages fall to earth.
Things that were not analyzed for their environmental impact:
--Danger to local bear population from electrified fences around missile silos.
--Impact on local rat population of accumulation of empty plastic trays from 23,000 Swanson Hungry Grunt Frozen Dinners eaten by base personnel.
--Fire/Kinetic impact on Downtown Fairbanks if interceptor missile decides the Eastbound Blue Line Bus to downtown via UAF is "enemy warhead."
--Impact on sensitive Tundra biome when 550 camerapersons, sound crew, producers, makeup artists, and reporters descend on Fort Greeley to film: "Apocalypse Seattle: Why Didn't the Interceptors Work?"
--Impact on local moose herds of low-yield North Korean nuclear warhead detonating in air over interceptor base. To be fair, we understand local moose have been issued iodine pills and shovels, along with pamphlets on how to dig bomb shelters, but moose are notorious procrastinators and we understand few shelters have been dug by the Moose. Mooses. Meese. You know what we mean.
--Effect on local Inuit communities when Greenpeace and other environmental/peace activists swarm the base for a few days of symbolic protests, leaving just as soon as the local teenagers develop a taste for marijuana and hip-hop.
--Danger that drilling operations for missile silos will punch through earth's shell to gas-filled planetary core, causing globe to deflate with large "whooshing" noise.
--Danger that microwave and x-band radiation from newly-installed radars will affect migratory waterfowl that spend summer in Arctic, especially once bored radar operators start playing "Grill the Goose" with radar beam.
--Impact on U.S. foreign relations when inbound Japan Air Lines 747 is shot down because PFC upset over having to replace muffler on nearly-new Toyota Corolla described flight as "hostile inbound" to launch control officer.
Outraged responses to this story can be e-mailed to Webmaster@muskratnews.com
Remember, Kids, the part in bold is actual 100% news-flavored media product.
The rest is the fakey part.
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