The Associated Press
FALLUJAH, Iraq A U.S. warplane early Tuesday destroyed a popular restaurant which the U.S. command said was a meeting place for members of Iraq's most feared terrorist organization.
The 12:01 a.m. blast demolished the Haj Hussein restaurant as well as nearby shops, residents said.
The U.S. military command in Baghdad made no mention of the restaurant but said the target was "a center" for the Tawhid and Jihad terror network, led by Jordanian-born extremist Abu Musab al-Zarqawi.
Memo
From: CAPT Rimflex Solo, Public Affairs Spokesman, 1st Marine Expeditionary Unit
To: COL Rip Fallow, Commander, 1st Marine Expeditionary Unit
Subject: Cut Me Some Slack
Look, Colonel, I know you have to fight your battles your own way, but I mean really-a restaurant? Do you have any idea what kind of calls I'm getting from the American media? "Was the service that bad?" "Standard tip is 18%-- not 500 pounds of high explosive!" "I hear if your bomb isn't delivered in 30 minutes or less it's free."
I have explaine dtime and time again that we are operating in a different media environment, and that everything we do is filtered through America's primary news sources-late night talk show monologues.
We simply cannot afford to conduct actions that are conducive to easy punch lines. Casualties are fine, but how can we deal with lines like "Turns out we're not fighting for Halliburton-we're fighting for Starbucks!"??
In the future, please avoid the following actions:
--Bombing restaurants, nightclubs, bordellos, or the dog pound.
--Engaging in fire fights with men dressed in clown suits
--Reporting enemy fire coming from the city zoo. I don't care if there's a machine gun in the middle of the seal pit, call it "near the highway" or "Southeast of the water plant." Just don't say zoo.
--I'm serious. Even if the damn gorillas are firing RPGs, don't say "zoo."
--ESPECIALLY if the gorillas are engaging in guerilla warfare. That headline would never go away.
--Never report U.S. forces as being in or near the dump.
--And of course, when we bomb an orphanage, be sure to call it a "terrorist playground facility."
Outraged responses to this story can be e-mailed to Webmaster@muskratnews.com
Remember, Kids, the part in bold is actual 100% news-flavored media product.
The rest is the fakey part.
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