WASHINGTON—An image that flew around the Internet last week showing a boxy bulge in the back of President George W. Bush's suit jacket during the Sept. 30 presidential debate in Miami has led to widespread cyber-speculation that he was wired to receive help with his answers.
Bush's aides tried to laugh off the controversy, with one official joking about "little green men on the grassy knoll."
Several officials, pressed for a serious answer, flatly denied that anything was fishy about the hump.
A source inside the White House, however, has confirmed both the existence of the bulge and the reason for it.
“It’s a cage,” said the anonymous tipster. “It’s a very small cage for a very small primate.” In other words, the President still has a monkey on his back.
Bush has always refused to answer questions about the extent of his illegal drug use and whether he was a clinical alcoholic, while acknowledging a drinking problem and wild behavior as a youth. But the existence of the monkey strongly suggests that he was addicted to something, even if the size of the monkey suggests the addiction may be remission.
Asked why the addiction monkey would need a cage, seeing as how it is a purely metaphorical creature, one White House staffer suggested that the cage itself might have been a metaphor. Asked how a metaphor could cause a visible crease in a man’s suit, the aide replied “Ohhhh, man. Stop harshing my buzz.”
Yet another variant of the theory combines the “debate help” hypothesis with the monkey Lemma. “Maybe it was a real monkey trained to whisper answers to him,” suggested one conspiracy theorist. “You wouldn’t need a very smart monkey for it to be more clever than Bush.” Asked how the monkey would communicate, the conspiracy enthusiast replied “Maybe it was a parrot AND a monkey.”
“The smallest known monkey is the pygmy marmoset, which is about twelve inches long—half of which is tail,” said Dr. Theondrical Bassoon, Professor of Furry Creatures at Marmoset and Capuchin, a small Manhattan Law Firm and Zoo. “However, the cage in question looks to be too small for even a pygmy marmoset, so the monkey in question must be a metaphorical one. Plus, marmosets are notoriously poor debaters.” Dr. Bassoon did note that the pygmy marmoset thrived on tree sap, and that many of Bush’s statements have a high sap content.
It could be worse. Bush aides insisted that the stage for Friday’s town-hall style debate be divided between the candidates, with each having to remain in his own portion. Monkeys, like many animals, often mark their territories with urine, screeching, and genital displays towards intruders. Said one primatologist, “All we got was the screeching part, so we should count ourselves lucky.”
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The rest is the fakey part.
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