Washington, DC, Oct. 4 (UPI) -- U.S. national security adviser Condoleezza Rice says she remains convinced Iraq wanted to acquire nuclear weapons before last year's invasion.
Asked Iraq’s if merely wanting, as opposed to having or building, weapons of mass destruction, were reason enough to invade, Rice replied “You better believe it. Wanting bad things is sinful. It’s a bad thought. And people who think bad thoughts ought to be spanked. Oooohhh, I just had a bad thought, Mr. Reporter-man. Would you like to spank me now?”
Experts agreed that Ms. Rice’s view were not unprecedented. “Everybody knows that our laws are based on the Ten Commandments,” said Hoopskirt Tillitson, Queen of the Autumn Festival and Professor of Evangelism at St. Cuthbert’s-Down-a-Well College Prep. “And the commandments are full of rules on thinking bad thoughts. You can’t covet this, you can’t covet that. And hen you have to remember something… what is it… the keys? The water bill? No – the Sabbath! Jesus Christ, I keep forgetting that one. What? Take the name of the Lord in Vain? When? Oh, shit. I can say ‘shit,’ right?”
Congress is hard at work attempting to codify this “retro-textualism” movement into the Federal Code, starting by making it illegal to have “disloyal thoughts, urges, impulses, leanings, or inclinations.” However, there are rumors that the drafting process has already run into trouble, with furious debates ongoing over whether the prohibition on coveting “thy neighbor’s ass, not his ox, nor any thing that is his” would negatively impact the advertising industry.
Asked what the prospects for final passage of the “Completely Secular Codification of the Ten Commandments Which Is In No Way Unconstitutional Because It’s About Civil Order Not About Religion, Praise the Lord” bill, one observer demurred. “They’ll never and adultery,” said one staffer. “What would they do with the interns if they did?”
Asked to comment, Condoleeza Rice’s office put out a statement saying simply “Spank me! Spank me! Ooooh! Rassle up a coalition of the Willing Chippendales and Patrol my neighborhoods! Oh, yeah, baby, secure my oil fields! Yeah!”
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