TRANSCRIPT:
12:45 p.m. EDT
MR. BOUCHER: If I can, I'd like to start off with a brief announcement. I want to tell you that we're announcing today the Office of Reconstruction -- the Coordinator for Reconstruction and Stabilization.
The Office will work closely with the Defense Department to ensure strong civilian-military cooperation in planning and operations, and develop and maintain close links with foreign governments, international regional organizations and nongovernmental organizations.
QUESTION: So is this going to be a boring bunch of wonks cranking out papers on alternative voting systems to foster parliamentary stability in post-apocalyptic Mongolia, or will the office do cool things like those adventure junkies in USAID and Medecins Sans Frontiers?
MR. BOUCHER: Everything the State Department does is cool. (Laughter)
QUESTION: But will it be cool in the ‘camping out in the rubble and drinking all night with the foreign correspondents’ way or cool in the ‘way to foster a bitchin’ interagency dialogue’ kind of way? Because nothing that happens at a conference table under fluorescent lighting is cool.
MR. BOUCHER: S/CRS will have a primarily planning and coordination role, which ordinarily does not involve camping out anywhere. They will, however, be drinking heavily back here in DC.
QUESTION: Will they get to pick who we invade next?
MR. BOUCHER. No. As always, that will be the prerogative of Paul Wolfowitz. S/CRS will simply tell him why he’s wrong, and then attempt to pick up the pieces afterwards.
QUESTION: That’s better. Will they have sniper rifles with those laser sights and wrist-mounted satellite-linked computers?
Mr. BOUCHER: No. They will have briefcases.
QUESTION: Backpacks are cooler.
Mr. BOUCHER: Well, excuse us for graduating from middle school.
QUESTION: Will the briefcases at least shoot explosive darts? Expand into life rafts? Contain folded-up sniper rifles? Will they be like those CIA guys in movies who claim to be with “the embassy” then start shooting people left and right?
Mr. BOUCHER: No. The briefcases will contain paper, writing implements, interagency memoranda, and perhaps cell phones. S/CRS staff will be like the wisecracking, world-weary Embassy staffer played by Spalding Gray in “The Killing Fields.”
QUESTION: That doesn’t sound very fun.
Mr. BOUCHER: First, we think the whole drowning-angst-in-cynicism is fun, in a detached and literary way. But as a concession to the media, the S/CRS staff will wear khakis and multi-pocket photographer’s vests at all times. They will also squint at times of crisis.
QUESTION: When they made a movie about the NSC counter-proliferation staff, they cast Nicole Kidman as the staffer. Who will play S/CRS staff in the movies?
Mr. BOUCHER: First, the movie you refer to, “The Peacemaker,” is awful in its inaccurate depiction of Soviet Weaponry and START Treaty rules. Second, we took a poll and the female staff all voted to be played by Jennifer Garner, which we accepted with a straight face. The men think Vin Diesel, if you can believe that, and the consensus pick for Ambassador Pascual is Hector Elizondo, although the ambassador himself prefers Jeremy irons, as if that's going to happen.
QUESTION: No, really.
Mr. BOUCHER: Well, OK. Ben Stein. Bueller? Anybody?
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