By KEN GUGGENHEIM, AP
WASHINGTON (Aug. 17) - Stung by criticism about its role in fighting terrorism, Saudi Arabia has launched a radio advertising campaign in 19 U.S. cities citing the Sept. 11 commission report as proof that it has been a loyal ally in the fight against al-Qaida.
The two advertisements quote the commission's conclusion that the Saudi government did not fund al-Qaida. One ad cites the report's finding that Saudi Arabia stopped a 1998 plot to attack U.S. troops; the other cites a finding that Saudis were not flown out of the United States right after the Sept. 11, 2001, attacks.
The ads don't address commission criticism of Saudi Arabia, which the report called "a problematic ally in combating Islamic extremism." It said Saudi-funded Islamic schools have been exploited by extremists and, while Saudi cooperation against terrorism improved after the Sept. 11 attacks, "significant problems remained."
Muskrat News has obtained a script from one commercial:
Hello, Infidels! We here at the royal house of Saud wanted to take a minute to let you know how much we like you and how we're helping fight the war on terrorism. Oooohhh, terrorism is bad, isn't it? Yup. In fact, we have terrorists here in Saudi Arabia, too. We call them "solar energy advocates." Ha! Just kidding! But keep driving, OK?
Seriously, you pork-eating apostates, we just wanted to remind you that your own government says that we weren't involved in the 9/11 attacks, so that pretty much settles it, OK? I mean, it's not like your intelligence has ever been wrong about anything. Stop your whining. So most of the hijackers were Saudis. So? Most of them were from bad families, or watched too much TV or something. We're looking into that. They may have been driven mad by the sight of women's ankles-who knows? In any case, it's not our fault.
In fact, you swine, Saudi Arabia is one of America's staunchest allies. We bravely fought alongside you in the first Gulf War. Really. See here in the news photo? That's us, in the back row. What? OK, it's radio, you can't see, but trust us, we were there.
And forget that stuff about our charities being fronts for terrorist funding. OK, maybe we shouldn't have given cousin Anwar that $500,000, but he said he needed a new stereo. Who knew he'd buy Stinger missiles with it? We won't make that mistake again. Even the bin Laden family has disowned Osama - he's not invited to the annual picnic, and when they write him checks, they put "stop it!!" on the front in big letters. So that's cool, you pig-lovers.
Anyway, we wanted to thank you for driving the price of oil into the stratosphere, and we assure you that none of the extra zillion dollars we make is going to go to terrorists in any way. Although Uncle Abu says he needs $750,000 worth of garden tools.
Outraged responses to this story can be e-mailed to Webmaster@muskratnews.com
Remember, Kids, the part in bold is actual 100% news-flavored media product.
The rest is the fakey part.
Home Previous Lines of the Day
