The entire editorial staff of the Muskrat News, along with the front office and the advertising departments, have crammed themselves into the driver's seat of their Honda Civic and hit the road. For the next few days, any reports we may make will be based on things we see on the road, instead of current events.
For example, in our hotel room last night we found the following card in our hotel room:
We invite you to join with us to conserve water by using your towels more than once. In addition to decreasing water and energy consumption, you help us reduce the amount of detergent waste water that must be recycled within our community. Please hang up towels if you wish to participate in the program - if not, simply leave them on the floor.
Our research shows their will be no degradation in the level of hygiene you expect from HotelCorp, Inc, and it will, frankly, remain a lot higher than the level of hygiene you experience at home, you slob.
If you would also like to conserve paper by declining your complimentary copy of USA Today, simply leave the used paper on your desk the following morning. The Hotel staff will recycle it by refolding it and placing it outside your door the next morning. Our research indicates that the quality of the news you receive will only be slightly impaired - it is USA Today, after all, not a real newspaper.
If you think this is a shameless hustle by greedy hotel corporations to increase their profit by reducing laundry costs, but are willing to go along because as a side effect the environment will be helped, hang the towels on the rack but fold them lengthwise.
If you are so paranoid about germs that you don't actually use the hotel towels, but instead rely on a suitcase full of your own towels brought from home in giant Ziploc bags, continue to use your own, but place the hotel towels on the edge of the sink. You may continue to pretend to use the towels, wetting them down in the sink while you wear rubber gloves to avoid contact with the years-long parade of germs that infest the material.
If you think the maids are in league with the CIA and are sending towel-scraping samples to Langley for analysis, fold your towel into the shape of a sailor hat and leave it on the edge of the tub. If you do not want us to submit your towel profile to the authorities for analysis, make an origami crane from you towel and suspend it from the light fixture with dental floss.
We are also now changing bed linens only every three days. To request a change earlier, fold the sheets into a relief map of West Virginia and leave them on the floor with the correct compass orientation. Sheets that are not oriented properly, which are merely filthy from late-night fish-gutting, coated with cookie crumbs or other food debris, or which have been braided into ropes for escape attempts will not be replaced.
Finally, in an effort to thwart global warming from carbon dioxide emissions, as well as reduce heating costs and the attendant greenhouse gas emissions from power plants, we have made your room airtight and are no longer replacing the air every few hours through circulation or ventilation. If you want the oxygen to be replenished for a modest fee, simply hang the 'Air' card on your door handle. Telephone requests for air or to "get me out of this hellhole" will no longer be honored.
Outraged responses to this story can be e-mailed to Webmaster@muskratnews.com
Remember, Kids, the part in bold is actual 100% news-flavored media product.
The rest is the fakey part.
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