Foreign Affairs Host - 03:57pm Aug 3, 2004 EDT
In "Inside Al-Qaeda's Hard Drive" (September Atlantic), Alan Cullison offers a revealing look at the people who comprise al-Qaeda -- through …a laptop that had formerly been used by a central office of al-Qaeda. It … offers a fascinating look at the daily office life and personal affairs of the men who make up al-Qaeda, [including] tensions between bin Laden and the Taliban, advice to terrorist operatives on how to pass as Westerners, and much more.
One piece of advice to terrorists contained in the computer: "When wearing underwear, try not to wear the kind that reveals you are a fundamentalist."
To: HQ
From: Jihadi X
Well, thank you very much for that advice. I spent half my clothing budget on "Dome of the Rock" Underwear, and now you tell me I cannot wear it. You have also misled me about the utility of my cover name - Pee-Wee is not a term of respect here. Thus I have changed my name in solidarity with the other oppressed peoples here Newark, who it turns out have also been victimized by the Jewish-Crusader conspiracy. They are extremely upset about some missing mules, according to an Imam named Sharpton, and I think we have an opportunity if we can perhaps have some mules sent here. Of course you will ignore my advice, as you always do. See the attached cartoon.
To: Jihadi X
From: HQ
In the name of Allah, the Compassionate, the merciful, why do you keep sending us these American cartoons about the man known as "Dilbert"? Is he part of the Zionist power center? And why have you drawn a beard not unlike that of our Leader, long may he live?
To: HQ
From: Jihadi X
In the name of Allah, the merciful and the all-knowing, No, of course you do not see the parallel between a movement which sends a jihadi out to fight a war but makes him earn his keep washing dishes, and a pointy-haired boss who makes his engineers use obsolete equipment such as the despised Commodore 64. Nonetheless, I will continue the holy struggle against greasy residue while you enjoy writing endless memos about using both sides of each sheet of paper, even though this does not work for posters!!
To: Jihadi X
From: HQ
Frankly, we are starting to get a little tired of your attitude, Oh Comrade in the Struggle. We were all at the meeting when the Committee on Operational Priorities set the semi-annual budget priorities, and you did not object, nor did you raise your hand in protest. We not believe it behooves you now to question our resource allocation, especially as the signature on the bottom of the five-year plan appears to be that of … could it be? Yes, Jihadi X, before he was transferred to a place where he would become soft!
To: HQ
From: Jihadi X
You have given me no choice. All of your ideas have failed. Your suggested pitch for "Who Wants to Be a Car Bomber?" not only was not well received at ABC, but even Fox passed on "Who Wants To Marry a Virgin in the Afterlife?" - after you assured me there was nothing they would not broadcast. Even your idea of recruiting suicide bombers at the local mosque fell flat, although through one local Muslim I have received an offer to star in "Big Brother: Guantanamo" from an outfit called "USMC productions." I will call you when I am a big star and can recruit Hollywood liberals to our cause. I am ready for my close-up.
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Remember, Kids, the part in bold is actual 100% news-flavored media product.
The rest is the fakey part.
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