"I will be a commander in chief who will never mislead us into war," Kerry said. "I will have a vice president who will not conduct secret meetings with polluters to rewrite our environmental laws. I will have a secretary of defense who will listen to the best advice of our military leaders. And I will appoint an attorney general who actually upholds the Constitution of the United States." He later added that he would not worry about whether God was on his side so much as whether he was on God's side.
Republicans were puzzled by the latter remark, as they believe that God speaks through George Bush. They were also confused by the reference to "upholding" the constitution.
Overall, the entire evening was baffling to many GOP observers. "How could anyone believe this man," wondered Republican spin master Dwight Dibbler. "He claims to have been to a place called 'Vietnam,' but, really, how many Americans believe such a place exists? Huh? Can you find it on a map? I thought not. George Bush certainly can't. That's real leadership."
Told that a quick poll indicated that many Americans found the speech impressive, if not totally convincing, Dibbler fumed "No! Don't listen to him! Did you not hear him say he wasn't going to worry about whether God was on his side? Why do you think he said that?!? Because God's NOT on his side. He's on our side. The Lord speaks through the President. Kerry speaks not the word of God! The Lord has commanded you to vote for Bush!" He paused. "And buy a new car!"
The Republican spinmeister went on to question the legality of Kerry's candidacy, noting that Bush is Commander-in-Chief, and suggesting that any former military officer who runs against may be guilty of mutiny. Asked for some kind of legal justification for such a position, Dibbler said "So Sayeth the Lord!"
Nonetheless, many Democrats professed satisfaction with the speech. "He didn't use too many big words," sighed one, "and didn't make any digressions about the Congress of Vienna or Max Weber, so he appeared slightly more human than normal for him." Many delegates, however, were slightly put off by the three-hour running time of the speech, the majority of which was taken up with an elaborate lecture on the design and operation of Swift Boats. The only jarring moment came when the traditional balloon and confetti drop caused the candidate to flinch and scream "Incoming!"
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The rest is the fakey part.
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