Tue Jul 27, 2004 05:08 PM ET
By Adam Entous, www.reuters.com
CAMP PENDLETON, Calif. (Reuters) - Flanked by howitzers and American flags, Vice President Dick Cheney on Tuesday said weakness only emboldened terrorists as he tried to counter Democratic criticism of the policy of preemptive war.
With President Bush staying out of the political fray at his Crawford, Texas, ranch, Cheney was on the West Coast to rally fellow Republicans for the November election and stage a counter-offensive to Democrats at their national convention in Boston.
"Terrorist attacks are not caused by the use of strength. They are invited by the perception of weakness," Cheney said at Camp Pendleton on the Southern California coast.
The blatant Freudian trappings of the speech caused some concern among political observers. "The guns, the flagpoles, the constant references to 'strength' and 'power,' the smirking tone, really reminded me of one of those awful commercials for Viagra or Levitra," said Quantum X. Snowcone, media-political analyst for Solon magazine. "It was really starting to get embarrassing, and then I heard that it really was a commercial for Levitra." Snowcone reports, and this reporter has confirmed via magic 8-ball, that Cheney has in fact signed a contract with Bayer Pharmaceuticals, makers of the anti-impotence drug Levitra.
"It was a natural for us," gushed Bayer spokesman Singh L. Entendre. "The speeches we were seeing were already loaded with references to reliability, strength, 'staying the course,' and many of the other codewords we use to peddle our product. All we had to do was roll the film."
"Well, that's a relief," said Republican Semiotician Ann Coaltar. "I was starting to worry that Bush and Cheney had some kind of sad, puerile obsession with manliness. The use of lines like 'bring it on' was bad enough, but when I heard that Bush was keeping Saddam's personal handgun as a keepsake, I was afraid these people were in the middle of some kind of Freudian hissy fit. But if it's just a ploy to sell Spanish Fly, then we can rest easy that it won't end with a nuclear pissing contest with North Korea."
Other observers were not as sanguine, however. "What if they decide they need more visuals?" asked Iraqi beet farmer Ahmed Meshugga. "I saw a Levitra commercial where a man through a football through a hoop. Bush has bombs, not footballs. Don't the French call a certain sexual event 'Le Petit Mort'? What if Bush decides to sell this product as delivering 'Le grand Mort'?" Mon Dieu, if I have to die, I don't want it to be in the service of the marketing of a manhood pill." He shook his head. "I liked it better when it was just about profits for Halliburton."
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