NPR reported that Attorney General Ashcroft today unveiled a Justice Department report on the USA PATRIOT Act, lauding it for having enabled significant advances in the fight against terror. Although the phrase does not appear in the report itself, NPR reported that Ashcroft had described that Act as the legal equivalent of a laser-guided bomb.
We decided to ask Ahscroft about the analogy, so we invented this interview with him.
Q. Can the PATRIOT Act shatter entire buildings and send thousands of jagged pieces of shrapnel flying through the air to kill and maim bystanders?
A. Wouldn't that be great? Oh, man, I wish. No, I mean it's a very precise tool, one that can be targeted very narrowly on a specific suspect.
Q. So it has nothing to do with the ability to rain instant death on a selected target, free from constitutional burdens of proof and fairness?
A. No, no, no. Yes. Maybe. But only on targets that deserve it.
Q. Like the Chinese Embassy in Belgrade?
A. Yes! No! That doesn't count.
Q. Why not?
A. Because we would never make a mistake like that.
Q. But that mistake was made by the intelligence community, the very people you say you need to share information with to target terrorists.
A. Yeah, but it's different. The CIA doesn't make mistakes any more. They promised.
Q. Still, analogizing an investigative tool like the PATRIOT Act with high explosive does seem a little weird. After all, you don't use dynamite to search for murderers.
A. Why not? You can fish with dynamite - it's fun, and a lot easier than waiting around with a damn lure in the water. Just toss one stick of Centrex Brand Double-A dynamite in the pond and you can pick up all the fish you want once they float to the surface. Same thing with bad guys.
Q. But criminal suspects aren't fish. You can't just blow them up.
A. Not until Justice Stevens retires. But you're right. Law enforcement is a lot more like hunting. You stalk your prey through its natural habitat, then zero in with your scope until you have him in the cross hairs, and BANG! Justice!
Q. After a fair trial.
A. What?
Q. A trial, with Due Process, witnesses, evidence, all that?
A. Uh, yeah… a trial.
Q. You had forgotten about that part, hadn't you?
A. Ahhh, C'mon- it's a laser-guided weapon! It can't miss! Who needs a trial?
Q. Every citizen accused of a crime?
A. No. Go fish.
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Remember, Kids, the part in bold is actual 100% news-flavored media product.
The rest is the fakey part.
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