Issue of 2004-07-12 and 19
Posted 2004-07-05
When George W. Bush chose Dick Cheney to be his running mate four years ago, Dr. Gary Malakoff, Cheney's personal physician, assured the nation, in a letter released that July by the Bush campaign, that Cheney, despite having suffered three heart attacks and undergone quadruple-bypass surgery, was "up to the task of the most sensitive public office." Four months later, Cheney suffered a fourth heart attack, and Malakoff joined Cheney's cardiologist in declaring him fit to return to work. Now Cheney has dropped Malakoff from his medical team, after nine years of service. In June, Malakoff was relieved of his position as chairman of George Washington University Medical Center's General Internal Medicine Division. Hospital officials said last week that Malakoff was on leave until September.
It turns out that Malakoff has a history, going back to 1997, of abusing prescription narcotics. At the same time that he was attesting to Cheney's physical fitness, he was privately struggling with problems that call into question his own fitness to practice medicine and to treat one of G.W.U. Medical Center's most prominent patients. The Vice-President's office severed its professional ties with him after learning about the problems.
Muskrat News has obtained a copy of the letter in question. It reads as follows:
Cheney, you vicious swine. Sending your jackbooted thugs to threaten me at the ungodlty hour of ten o'clock in the morning! What kind of jabbering speed-freak of a fascist are you, anyway? Jesus, I always knew you were a sick, power-addled mongrel, whelped from the Nixon White House, but this is beyond you.
I've been told I have to give you a clean bill of health, or that my license to practice medicine - which took me weeks of studying and a whole roll of stamps to get - will be revoked by the thugs in your DEA. You amoral bastard. It's at times like this that a real freak can only turn to the Book of Revelations and take comfort in the inspired words of John the peyote-addled: "And I saw a beast with seven heads, and a pig part where his mitral valve should be."
You know that ticker of yours is so rusted out with hatred that it can't last more than another few weeks. You can't put it off with monkey-gland injections any more. The evil that seeps from your pores has so warped your body's immune system nothing will save you now. You chose to live like a lizard, and now it's too late.
Jesus! Did you see the size of that bat?!? I have got to stop mixing peyote and bourbon. But I only do so on the advice of my lawyer, a strange and terrifying half-breed from the steppes of Lapland. "Go ahead," he sneered, "down whatever cocktail of madness you choose, because tomorrow the DEA is going to have your prescription pad for breakfast."
I can't live like that. I just can't. So, for the record, you are up to the task of the most sensitive public office, unless being made of pure degenerate evil is somehow a disqualification.
Outraged responses to this story can be e-mailed to Webmaster@muskratnews.com
Remember, Kids, the part in bold is actual 100% news-flavored media product.
The rest is the fakey part.
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