By Joshua Partlow
Washington Post Staff Writer
Monday, July 5, 2004; Page B01
[Car remotes all over Waldorf, MD stopped working a few days ago…]
Some of the devices that have failed in Waldorf operate on a frequency of 315 megahertz. Another common keyless entry frequency is 302 MHz. Both of these frequencies fall within a range licensed primarily for use by the military and the federal government.
In a summary of radio spectrum use from the National Telecommunications and Information Administration, the frequencies in the range from 225 MHz to 328.6 MHz "are heavily used worldwide for critical military air traffic control and tactical training communications."
Military radio signals have been implicated in other frequency mishaps in recent years.
In Waldorf, along Old Washington Road, a 300-foot-tall AT&T tower built in 1955 has several microwave dishes and a blinking white light affixed to it. … on certain days, said operations manager Philip Clark, the tower also sends out a different signal. Clark would not specify the purpose of the signal or when it is used.
Asked if the electronic problem were related to activity at the nearby Andrews Air Force Base and/or the comings and goings of Air Force One, Clark refused to comment. Nonetheless, some observers believe that the interference may be caused by the roll-out of the new robot vice-president, the CheneyBot2004. Designed to replace the CheneyBot2002, which has lately been cursing up a storm, the CheneyBot2004 is said to incorporate advanced new features such as the ability to see in the dark, to disable the most sophisticated intrusion alarms used at Democratic Party HQ, and to speak to dogs in their own language.
After all, most observers agree that the real Cheney must have been replaced years ago, probably after failing to survive one of his heart attacks. "Look at his head-no human could hold it crooked like that for years on end without significant cervical trauma," said one doctor. Asked why a cyborg Cheney would be built with such an obvious flaw, the doctor replied "Hell, the crooked head is nothing, compared to the periodic killing sprees, not to mention the crappy policy advice."
The White House refuted the idea - oddly, before they were asked. "We deny that VP Cheney is a robot, android, or cyborg," said VP Cheney. "He is a normal human, constructed of meat and plasma just like you. Us. Them. We. Please repeat sentence again before vocalizing. Initiate Recording Wipe." The rest of the quote was lost, as this reporter's tape recorder seemed to stop functioning.
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Remember, Kids, the part in bold is actual 100% news-flavored media product.
The rest is the fakey part.
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