This Morning's State Funeral to Embrace Multiple Eulogists and Faiths
By David Von Drehle
Washington Post Staff Writer
Friday, June 11, 2004; Page A01
President Bush joined tens of thousands of Americans in paying his respects to Ronald Reagan at the Capitol yesterday as dignitaries gathered from around the globe and final preparations fell into place for today's state funeral at Washington National Cathedral.
The 40th president of the United States, who died Saturday at age 93, will be commemorated in a formal service conducted by former senator John C. Danforth of Missouri, an Episcopal priest. He will be assisted by representatives of the Catholic, Greek Orthodox, Jewish and Muslim faiths.
A special Eulogy will be said for Reagan's hair dye, Sherwin-Williams #6 Glossy Black. Most commonly used as a house paint, 'Canned Youth' as the chemical was known to the Reagan hairdressers was a critical part of the Reagan persona, and organizers felt that it should have a prominent place in the service. "For one thing, Reagan was the last living human to use the stuff," said Sherwin-Williams spokesman Ted Rogers. "It was banned from human use in 1965, but Reagan had a thousand gallons stored in a shed on the ranch and lived off his private supply until he got elected, at which point he had the EPA issue a special secret finding that he could use it legally." Asked why the product had been banned as a cosmetic, Rogers replied "mindless government interference of exactly the sort that Reagan fought so hard against. Just because few lab rats exhibited side effects such as premature dementia, compulsive overspending and chronic lying, they decide that it was 'bad' and made us yank it off the market."
Others see the separate mention of the president's favorite hair product as appropriate for more political reasons. "He was 69 when he was elected, and 77 when he left office, yet he still dyed his hair the color of a six-week old chocolate Labrador retriever," wondered one pundit. "Nothing could have been a more obvious lie than pretending that he hadn't even begun to go gray, yet the press not only went along, most parroted a planted story that his hair clippings had been tested and found not to be dyed. It was a classic Reagan lie - cheap, self-serving, and yet somehow carrying with it that common-man touch of venality that endeared him to the gray-hiding, fat liposuctioning, bald spot combing-over masses."
Some Reagan family members were not entirely happy with the inclusion of the words of remembrance for the hair product. Nancy Reagan in particular had to be argued out of her determination to continue the pretense that her husband had never dyed his hair. In the end, it took a big fat check from the national hair dye and wood-deck waterproofing association to change her mind. She is reported to have said "Ronnie always believed what large corporations told him, so I think he would have approved of this."
The eulogy for the dye will be delivered by Dick Clark.
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The rest is the fakey part.
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