Panel can't agree on how to fix it
Wednesday, June 9, 2004 Posted: 8:28 AM EDT (1228 GMT)
GRAND CANYON NATIONAL PARK, Arizona (AP) -- It's hard to get the sense anything is wrong in the Grand Canyon while floating through it [but] … The landscape and biology have been transformed by the Glen Canyon Dam, built upstream in 1963...
In an ambitious experiment to see whether Glen Canyon Dam can help solve the very problems it created, the U.S. Geological Survey has unleashed floods, released pulses of water and even simulated a summer drought to see if this would build up the sandbars and restore the river in other respects.
Also, lasers and sonar map the canyon's loss of sand. Implanted microchips allow scientists to monitor endangered fish and follow the movements of boulders downstream.
FAQ
Q. You mean the scientists have microchips implanted in them?
A. No, no. That would be silly. The story … it was… the program… a typo.
Q. You monster! You did put chips into the scientists!
A. Well, a few. Dr. Xandor promised it would allow us to conduct multispectral real-time analysis of nutrient flows in the river as well as track thousands of fish.
Q. Did it work?
A. In the sense that the cyborgs have those capabilities, among others, yes.
Q. Did the process of implantation hurt the researchers?
A. Aside from one brief moment of scalding, white-hot pain that seared their souls and left them with an unquenchable thirst for revenge, no. But there is some residual itching.
Q. Are their any side effects?
A. Aside from the whole revenge-lust thing, and the ability to manipulate the electromagnetic spectrum at will, they do seem to be a little more telepathic than before. Plus at least one of them was strong enough to lift Enoch the night watchman up with one hand while using he other hand to …. Ummm… no, no side effects.
Q. How many researchers were implanted?
A. Well, that's a little tricky, since they were clever enough to burn down the lab and all its records, but we think four or five. Six, tops. We know four are dead, and we think we've identified number five -it's either the leggy blonde or the black guy. It's certainly not the kindly old scientist.
Q. Kindly? What kind of madman would design such an unholy abomination?
A. Dr. Xandor is sincerely sorry for what has happened, and assures us that he in no way meant to create a blasphemous cadre of killing machines who would defy all that is holy and decent. Specifically, he promises that the next generation chip will reduce the rate of homicidal rampages by over 50%.
Q. You fool! Xandor is a cyborg himself! That's no 'dueling scar' on his forehead - it's the result of his first crude self-experimentation! Don't trust him!
A. Nonsense, he's perfectly arrgGGHHH.
Remember, Kids, the part in bold is actual 100% news-flavored media product.
The rest is the fakey part.
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