Memo says Bush not restricted by torture bans
By Will Dunham
WASHINGTON (Reuters) - President George W. Bush, as commander-in-chief, is not restricted by U.S. and international laws barring torture, Bush administration lawyers stated in a March 2003 memorandum.
The 56-page memo to Defence Secretary Donald Rumsfeld cited the president's "complete authority over the conduct of war," as overriding international treaties such as a global treaty banning torture, the Geneva Conventions and a U.S. federal law against torture.
"In order to respect the president's inherent constitutional authority to manage a military campaign ... (the prohibition against torture) must be construed as inapplicable to interrogations undertaken pursuant to his commander-in-chief authority," stated the memo, obtained by Reuters on Tuesday.
Asked how such an interpretation could be squared with the language of the agreements, which forbid torture under all circumstances, without making a mockery of the treaties, a White House spokesman explained "It's very simple. If you ask me that question again, we're going to flay you alive. Happy?"
Another spokesman declined to confirm that flaying is or is not on the official White House approved list of torture techniques, nor would he comment on reports that the list includes use of a cattle-prod like device known as "The Persuader" or that the President had asked the Pope recently for access to the archives of the Spanish Inquisition for hints in technique.
In a related story, a memo from lawyers at the national Atmospheric and Oceanographic Administration has surfaced indicating that Bush, as commander in chief, is not bound by the law of gravity. NASA believes that Bush is not limited by the speed of light, and it is rumored that the Pope, in last week's meeting with the President, assured Bush that the Ten Commandments did not apply to his actions as commander in chief.
Asked if there were any constraints on Bush's actions as commander in chief, a White House spokesman said "How could there be? He's the Chief!" When a reporter noted that the international convention against genocide is worded similarly to the convention against torture, and asked whether Bush thought he had the authority to commit genocide as part of the war on terror, the spokesman replied "Why? What have you heard? Are those Tutsis getting uppity again?"
Finally, the Supreme Court, in a unanimous 3-0 ruling by the remaining justices (Ginsberg, Souter, Stevens, O'Connor, Breyer and Kennedy having turned out to be unusually sensitive to high voltage current), agreed with the White House today that Bush has the authority, as commander in chief in time of war, to commit acts of terrorism.
Remember, Kids, the part in bold is actual 100% news-flavored media product.
The rest is the fakey part.
Home Previous Lines of the Day
