Sun Jun 6, 2004 09:55 PM ET
WASHINGTON (Reuters) - The U.S. government will shut down for a federal holiday on Friday in honor of former President Ronald Reagan, President Bush declared on Sunday.
Reagan died at his Los Angeles home Saturday at the age of 93 after a 10-year battle with Alzheimer's disease. A state funeral for the former president will be held at the National Cathedral in Washington, on Friday morning.
"All executive departments, independent establishments, and other governmental agencies shall be closed on June 11, 2004 as a mark of respect for Ronald Reagan, the 40th president of the United States," said an Executive Order issued by Bush.
"This is an especially appropriate way to remember President Reagan," the announcement went on to say, "as he long despised the federal government and its employees as a bunch of money-wasting, clock-watching losers."
Reagan will be missed by legions of satirists and humorists. His amiable cluelessness made for easy laughs, and his administration was unmarked by the bloody quagmire of Iraq that makes the Bush administration seem less funny every day. Above all, he made all Americans feel good about themselves - the smart ones got to feel superior, and the dumb ones were happy to see one of their own get ahead in the world.
As a supplementary measure, the White House is suggesting other ways that Americans can honor Reagan, most of which involve not thinking very hard about the details of things, a favorite pastime of the former chief executive. "He was the first to realize that intelligence is over-rated," said presidential Historian Michael fakemiddlenamesodontsueme Beschloss. "Wilson was a college professor, Carter a nuclear engineer, and even Hoover was a talented civil engineer. But people hated them. Why? Smart people are scary to dumb people and most of you, and I mean this in the nicest possible way, are as dumb as stumps."
Others agreed. "Stumps, definitely," said Lou "I'll never read this so it's safe to use my name" Cannon. "Or maybe 'dumb as a sack full of hammers' - I always liked that one."
"Well, I don't know about that," said Fergus McSlappy, the first man we encountered on the street in our quest for an average man's response. "What kind of hammers? How big a sack? The man just doesn't say."
While Democrats and Republicans will continue to pretend that Reagan's legacy has something to do with political positions, a #12 Black and Decker claw hammer put it best when it said "Reagan's stated policies were routinely ignored by the voters because they liked him personally, and that's his real legacy - the triumph of the grin over the gist. Bush knows he can pretty much clear-cut Yellowstone as long as he keeps up that Aw, Shucks style, and Karl Rove knows it."
Remember, Kids, the part in bold is actual 100% news-flavored media product.
The rest is the fakey part.
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