Tuesday, May 4, 2004 Posted: 6:16 PM EDT (2216 GMT) WASHINGTON (CNN) -- Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld said Tuesday he will take "all measures necessary" to ensure that abuse of detainees such as what a Pentagon report says took place at Abu Ghraib prison in Iraq "does not happen again."
Specifically, Rumsfeld has promised to confiscate all cameras belonging to guards and to allow no photography whatsoever inside the prison.
When asked if the "problem" was the photographs of the abuse, or the acts of abuse themselves, Rumsfeld replied "Look, if there were no pictures, then I'd just stand up here and say there was no abuse. And you'd believe me and print it, right? So in a very real sense, there wouldn't have been any abuse! All you'd have would be a few detainees, who you don't have access to anyway, with a few bad memories, and we all know what crybabies detained terrorists are. So yes, the real problem here is that somebody took pictures of these non-existent events, which caused them to become real."
Rumsfeld was immediately nominated for the Nobel Prize in Physics, for his discovery of the "Rummy Uncertainty Principle," which postulates that any event that cannot be documented by the Anglo-American media did not happen. The new theory is an extension of the Heisenberg Uncertainty Principle, which states that certain atomic-scale actions cannot be proved to have occurred until observed by a human.
"It's a breathtaking advance," said Professor Krumplezone of MIT. "First, you simply define the victims of abuse as 'non-human,' which has clearly been the thrust of administration rhetoric for the past few years, so their memories of, e.g., being beaten don't count. Then it's just a matter of scale, going from the decay of a tritium atom to the sexual humiliation of a prisoner. Either way, it doesn't have an effect on the real world until observed."
Asked how the new principle squared with the administration's continued belief in the existence of Iraqi WMD, despite the lack of documentation for it, a Pentagon Spokesman replied "We said it existed, and before the war you all took it as a given that it existed and reported that it existed. Thus it's real, whether we can find any or not.."
The Nobel Committee is working overtime.
PLUS
May 4, 2004 www.katu.com
Prison population at Abu Ghraib will be cut in half
"We want to see what's inside," says Army Spokesman.
Remember, Kids, the part in bold is actual 100% news-flavored media product.
The rest is the fakey part.
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