Tue Mar 30, 2004 03:59 PM ET
SAN FRANCISCO (Reuters) - The old ballgame is getting some new technology.
Baseball fans bored by the slow pace of a game or wanting more statistics and information will be able to connect computer devices via wireless computer networking, or WiFi, at San Francisco Giants home games this year, the team announced on Tuesday. The Giants' stadium is, after all, called SBC Park, for telecommunications giant SBC Communications Inc.
"We've created, if not the largest, one of the largest hot spots in the world," said Larry Baer, the team's chief operating officer. "We're the first professional sports facility to provide people universal WiFi connectivity."
Bay area sports fans welcomed the news. "Thank God!" said one investment banker. "Now I can attend a game without having to actually watch any baseball." A quick survey of recent ballpark developments indicate the widespread acceptance of the intolerable nature of actually having to watch baseball being played. From water slides in the outfield to batting cages and video games under the stands, ballparks have added more and more entertainments to distract fans from the action on the field.
"The average baseball game lasts almost three hours, yet the ball is in play for, what, twenty minutes?" said a spokesman for Major League Baseball. "Remember that the average American has the attention span of a mayfly. And not one of your studious, hard-working mayflies either. A teenage mayfly. A teenage mayfly on crystal meth. If we could put TVs in front of each seat, we'd do it."
Nonetheless, ballpark officials and sports snobs agree that wi-fi could enhance the experience of the game. "It is hard to see every detail as it happens," agreed Verdigris Spittoon, columnist for the East Bay Blip. "It's hard to see from across the stadium whether a hand movement is a simple crotch grab or part of a complex set of base-stealing signs. Now fans can go to www.giantscrotchcam.com for slow-mo replays, statistical analysis and, of course, low-cost vicodin."
Fans agree that nothing enhances the baseball-watching experience like a constant series of pop-up ads for on-line casinos, pornography, debt rescheduling, and free IQ tests. Another advantage of viewing the game through the web is, of course, the ability to see close-up views of players' faces. From the upper deck, fans can barely tell how many eyes a player has, much less whether they look worried, complacent, fierce, frightened, or angry. Little hints like that can make all the difference to a fan's strategy for placing on-line bets on at-bats, innings, and the overall results of the game, not to mention the fact that they can now place bets right from their seats.
Even the groundskeepers agree. "Nothing suits the old ballpark like a fragile, multi-thousand dollar laptop," grunted Gristle McWhippy, 82 year old chalk-line layer. "Yeah, mixing rock-hard baseballs flying at a hundred miles an hour, oceans of beer, drunk fans, and delicate electronics is really just a brilliant concept." He then proceeded to spit for thirty seconds continuously.
Remember, Kids, the part in bold is actual 100% news-flavored media product.
The rest is the fakey part.
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