The Missile Defense Agency (MDA) announced that Lt. Gen. James A. Abrahamson, U.S. Air Force (Retired), is the second recipient of the Ronald Reagan Missile Defense Award, an annual honor awarded to individuals or organizations to recognize outstanding support, innovation, and engineering and scientific achievement associated with technologies designed to defend against ballistic missile attack. General Abrahamson was the first director of the Strategic Defense Initiative Organization (SDIO), the forerunner of the Missile Defense Agency, and served from March 27, 1984 to January 31, 1989.
The award, which listed his dates of service as April 1948 to "Juneuary 19999," missed his outstretched hands and bounced across the stage, ultimately braining an NCO sitting in the first row of the audience. General Abrahamson seemed distracted by a toy balloon floating at the edge of the stage, clutched at the balloon but missed, eventually grappling the presenter in a bear hug.
A Ballistic Missile Defense Ambulance team rushed to the scene, and sedated and bandaged an audience member sitting two rows down from the injured NCO. After bystanders redirected them, and they were dissuaded from bandaging the helping audience members, they finally lucked onto the injured audience member, and they sped him off to a nearby dry cleaners right next door to the Arlington Hospital.
Officials described the awards ceremony as "a complete success," noting that General Abrahamson was "an experimental model" and that the ceremony was structured to "validate certain award-receiving technology concepts, without being a fully integrated systems test." The next general to receive an award would be a more advanced model, they assured onlookers.
The statements were enclosed in a press release that BMDO faxed to Kenyan embassy before hand-delivering a copy to the sports sections of the major Washington newspapers. The press release offered BMDO's "Belated congratulations" to the New York Yankees on their World Series victory over the Florida Marlins, then went on to describe the awards ceremony.
Critics of the program insist that the failure was indicative of larger problems with the Pentagon's Plaque and Statuette Acceptance Program. "The award ceremony was artificially rigged," said Steven Beforebad, of the Federation of American Scientologists. "Abrahamson was told about the ceremony in advance, and the plaque was extra large - they even welded two handles onto the sides and they STILL fumbled it."
The Pentagon is asking for another $2.3 Billion next year to give itself awards.
Remember, Kids, the part in bold is actual 100% news-flavored media product.
The rest is the fakey part.
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