Weapons Should Address Threats From 'Rogue States,' Task Force Says
By Walter Pincus
Washington Post Staff Writer
Sunday, March 28, 2004; Page A04
A prestigious Defense Department panel has recommended major changes to the United States' nuclear arsenal, saying the current plans to refurbish the existing weapons stockpile will not protect the nation from new threats from rogue states and terrorist groups. "Nuclear weapons are needed that produce much lower collateral damage," the panel said, indicating the need for greater precision, reduced radioactivity and the ability to dig deep into the ground to get hard targets. In addition, it proposed that the Air Force keep the 50 Peacekeeper ICBMs now set for deactivation and redeploy them to Vandenberg Air Force Base in California and Cape Canaveral in Florida for use with conventional warheads.
Asked if launching a multi-million dollar missile to hit a target half a world away, and possibly scaring the bejeebers out of the Russians, was really such a great idea, one board member was insistent. "Look, we've had nuclear missiles since the 1950s, and we've never got to launch one. They just sit around and get old. wouldn't it be cool, just once, to light one of those bad boys up and take it for a spin? I mean, jeez, we never have any fun."
Experts agree that the best way to fend off public suspicion of the nuclear-industrial complex is to find alternative uses for the old cold war technology. From the report's suggestion of conventionally-armed Peacekeepers to the Clinton-era proposal to convert nuclear missile submarines to carry cruise missiles for ground-attack missions.
Muskrat News is all in favor of providing retroactive justifications for the xenophobic budgetary decisions of the Cold War, and would like to suggest even more ways that obsolescent nuclear technology can be re-branded:
--Redesignate them anti-anti-missile missiles (AAMM's), aim them at Russian interceptor missiles aimed at our missiles. If Russia then designs system to intercept AAMM's, then create Anti-AAMM missiles (AAAMMM's) and so on.
--Use them to open pesky pickle jars.
--Final Solution to oil-hogging caribou infestation in Arctic.
--30-minute mail delivery from Vandenberg to any point on Globe - beat FedEx like a rented mule.
--Same for pizza.
--use booster stages, without warheads, to launch Hubble rescue mission. (Strike that: GWB Says Hubble Must Die for contradicting creationism)
--Bestest Fourth of July Firework Ever!
--Give to NYPD to combat street gangs armed with AK-47's
--Bury them in Iraq, "find" them a week later
--Use as traffic cones in "Extreme Driver's Ed"
--Place in flowerbeds as unsettling, existentially evil garden gnomes.
Remember, Kids, the part in bold is actual 100% news-flavored media product.
The rest is the fakey part.
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