[Editor, Muskrat News]
Dear Friend:
I don't want to believe you've abandoned the Republican party, but I have to ask … Have you given up?
Our records show we have not received your Republican National Committee membership renewal for the critical 2004 presidential election year.
So I am surprised and concerned because I know how generously you have supported the RNC in the past and how instrumental your help was in electing a Republican President and Congress.
For obvious reasons, this letter is extremely disturbing. Your editor has no memory of having been a member of the RNC, of having sent the RNC any money, or of having been "instrumental" in electing the current President and Congress. In fact, he could swear he voted against Shrub. This raises several ominous possibilities:
--Through some occult process we barely understand, my voting against Bush caused him to be elected. Possible - this seems to happen during baseball season, when the Cubs lose because I root for them. But unlikely.
--That the letter was intended for the previous occupant here. But it's addressed to me personally. And clearly, the RNC never makes mistakes.
So that leaves only one possibility. I *did* donate to and help elect Bush in 2000 but have no memory thereof. Which obviously raises the question of what other previously unthinkable things I've been up to in the last few years. Obvious possibilities include:
--Appeared on Jerry Springer episode; got into fistfight with trailer park family;
--Spent a year talking only in -- arrggh, Matey! -- Pirate lingo;;
--Attempted to acquire Bioweapon capabilities to use against noisy upstairs neighbors;
--Wrote and starred in embarasingly maudlin Broadway musical about dying clowns;
--Married Britney Spears;
--Spent six months in mountains of Hindu Kush learning secret of existence from saffron-robed monks, but forgot to write it down;
--Went on five-state mime spree;
--Ate my vegetables, got plenty of exercise, cut down on carbs and learned to cook;;
--Spent six months following Eminem on tour; got new tattoo; or
--Went nuts, quit good, safe job and signed up for law school.
If readers have any information on these or any other events of what I must now call my "lost years," please contact me ASAP
Remember, Kids, the part in bold is actual 100% news-flavored media product.
The rest is the fakey part.
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