Stung by such criticism, the Pentagon has made the director of Missile Defense Phenomenology available for an interview. Dr. Jean-Paul Smart was formerly professor of literature at the Sorbonne, is the author of "I exist, therefore you appall me," and has been nominated for the Nobel Prize in brooding.
Muskrat News: Is this missile defense system nothing more than a totem, a shamanistic offering to the gods of the military-industrial complex, erected despite the utter lack of proof of its utility?
Dr. Smart: No, of course not. This is not a so-called "faith-based weapons system." Instead, it is the world's first existentialist weapons system. As such, it has no need for testing.
MR: I don't follow.
Smart: (sneers) How surprising. I will explain, using small words. Existentialism is a school of thought which asserts that "existence precedes essence." Clearly, then, the missile program must exist before it can be defined. Not only was testing unnecessary, it was pointless!
MR: But surely, even limited testing could indicate the possibility of success?
Smart: Non! Sartre teaches that as soon as the present moment slips into the past it is gone forever. Therefore nothing in our past can affect our decisions now. So clearly, no testing result in the past can affect our decision to deploy.
MR: You're saying Sartre would have favored spending billions on missile defense? Wasn't he a communist?
Smart: Yes, but he owned a lot of Lockheed stock. (lights Galois cigarette)
MR: I'm sorry, but isn't the Pentagon a no-smoking facility?
Smart: You Americans and your little jokes! You cannot pay attention to such details in my job. Anyway, Sartre taught us that events from our past (like our place of birth) do not matter. It is up to each of us - you, me, the bus driver, interceptor stage-stack #M0390003S2, to define our own identity or essential characteristics in what we do in the present. Of course, the missile defense system has a past that includes egregious failures, rigged tests, missed deadlines, and so on. But they are not part of the essence of the system.
MR: But interceptor missiles aren't people. They don't have the freedom to choose, the employment of which is surely at the core of existentialism.
Smart: How do you know? (Stubs out Galois)
MR: Well, it's just ....
Smart: (Lights another cigarette and draws deeply before gesturing with it) "A Machine"? (Nods furiously) Yes, admittedly, this makes it harder. It took enormous effort to design a machine with free will. But we have done it! The missile can exercise its free will - to compute a trajectory, to recognize the enemy warhead or not, to intercept a decoy or not. These are all choices that validate the missile's existence, not because they are 'correct' in the view of society, but because they are choices!
MR: And yet you have faith that the system will work? Aren't you in fact denying the missile's ability to define its own essence by assuring us that it will intercept enemy warheads?
Smart: Zut alors.... (pauses) .... Look, you t-shirt wearing boor, have you ever heard of Kierkegaard? He said 'subjectivity is truth.' The missile system will work because I believe it will work. I have taken the leap of faith that transcends the flaws of a purely logical system relying on 'evidence' and 'syllogisms,' and have landed squarely on the side of "spend the money."
MR: But...
Smart: Silence! I got you, pie-eater! (lights another Galois in triumph)
Remember, Kids, the part in bold is actual 100% news-flavored media product.
The rest is the fakey part.
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