Mon Mar 8, 2004 04:17 PM ET
WASHINGTON (Reuters) - The State Department said on Monday it had no indication that a plane which Zimbabwe seized and described as carrying 64 suspected mercenaries and a military cargo was connected to the U.S. government.
"We have no indication this aircraft is connected to the U.S. government," State Department spokesman Richard Boucher told reporters, adding that he could not confirm statements by Zimbabwean officials that it was a U.S.-registered plane.
Zimbabwe state television showed footage of a white plane, with the figure N4610 written on the side. An initial check of U.S. Federal Aviation Administration records showed N4610 to be a Boeing 727 registered to Ottawa, Kansas-based Dodson Aviation Inc., but a Dodson official said it sold the plane about a week ago to an African company called Logo Ltd.
The Supreme Court news office has confirmed that this was not another one of Justice Scalia's duck-hunting trips, so the search continues for an answer.
Logo Ltd is a wholly-owned subsidiary of the Completely Innocuous Affiliates, a multinational holding company whose main offices are located somewhere in Northern Virginia's sprawl of condos, data farms, and government office buildings.
State Department Spokesman Richard Boucher said there could be "dozens of innocent explanations" for how a planeload of mercenaries wound up in a U.S.-built 727 on the runway in Harare. Asked for a couple of examples, Boucher suggested that "first of all, they could be on a scavenger hunt. You know how kooky those things get. That's probably it," the visibly sweating Boucher continued, "it's probably just a bunch of college kids trying to be the first ones to come back with, oh, say, the head of Charles Taylor, or 1500 carats of conflict diamonds. Those darn frat boys! Ha, ha!"
When this reporter suggested that was unlikely to be the real story, Boucher grew shifty, whispering "We're not the only country that goes around the world shooting people. It could have been the Canadians. They look cute, but you wouldn't believe what unbelievable bastards they can be." A Canadian government spokesman denied the charges, saying sending mercenaries to Africa was "not the Mountie Way, eh?" She then suggested that the large and increasing population in Africa of hated ex-dictators, from Liberia's Charles Taylor to Haiti's Jean-Bertrand Aristide might have attracted freelancers. "Taylor has, what a $2 Million bounty on his head? Not to mention the millions the Yanks are offering for Osama Bin laden. If I were a better shot, I'd be tempted to bag Taylor myself. In a non-violent, maple-syrupy kind of way."
Others have suggested that the group may have been on a simple hunting expedition. A spokesman for the detainees, who would identify himself only as "Mr. Scorpio," suggested as much. "It's just a good old-fashioned safari trek is all." Asked what kind of safari would necessitate the bulletproof jackets the plane had been carrying, Scorpio replied "you wouldn't believe how sophisticated the average wildebeest is these days." Reminded that, clever or not, wildebeest - like all big game animals - lack the opposable thumbs needed to shoot back, Scorpio then suggested the flack jackets were for "mosquitoes" and refused to say any more.
Remember, Kids, the part in bold is actual 100% news-flavored media product.
The rest is the fakey part.
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