Mon Mar 1, 2004 07:53 PM ET
By Steve Holland
WASHINGTON (Reuters) - Former Haitian President Jean-Bertrand Aristide said on Monday he was forced to leave Haiti against his will by the United States, a claim dismissed by senior Bush administration officials as nonsense.
Aristide accused the United States of forcing him out of office in a "coup d'etat," disputing Washington claims that he chose to leave to avoid bloodshed.
The Bush administration denied the charges.
In order to refute the charges, Secretary of State Powell released what he said was a timeline of events surrounding Aristide's decision to leave:
10:05 PM Embassy Defense Attaché Colonel Mike Chomper and Innocent, Completely non-CIA Official State Department Operative "Snowflake" visit President Aristide in Presidential Palace. They find him on the balcony, admiring the burning-tire roadblocks in the distance. Colonel Chomper makes inappropriate joke ("I love the smell of Goodyears in the evening. It smells like… anarchy." Fortunately, Aristide has not seen "Apocalypse Now," and Colonel Chomper does a very poor Robert Duvall imitation. Chomper, for his part, notes that his "diplomatic colleague" wouldn't know, since he probably only goes to chick flicks. Aristide politely waits while the hissing fit subsides.)
10:10 PM Aristide again asks for U.S. military intervention to preserve his regime. Per orders, request denied. Offer made of safe passage to any country that will take him. Aristide asks if that include the United States.
10:15 PM Colonel Chomper and Snowflake finally stop laughing, and reply "no, but we hear Chad is lovely this time of year" while giggling and punching each other in arm. Aristide states he prefers to stay, believing his police forces and popular militia will save his regime. Snowflake explains that police have already exhausted themselves with repeated panic attacks, and expended most of their ammunition shooting at popular militias. Popular militias no longer so loyal to Aristide. Chomper agrees, noting that "President lives until dawn" is now a 1-5 bet on streets. Aristide demands time to think, withdraws to sitting room.
10:30 PM Repeated invocations of various Catholic saints and Voodoo spirits heard from sitting room. None seen to appear. Chomper phones Mango Mark, local bookie, with $50 bet on "dead or fled by dawn," with a $10 sidecar on "remains in five or more major pieces."
10:45 Aristide emerges from sitting room in angry mood, blames U.S. for rebellion. Chomper gives him his best poker stare and says "We get blamed for a lot of things. Now do you want to get out or not?" Aristide asks if there will be an in-flight meal and movie. Chomper assures him there will be food, but is unsure of movie.
11:05 A series of phone calls to Air America Charter service via the Embassy confirms the plane has movie capability to show any VHS or DVD. Aristide asks what titles are available. Quick check of Embassy Rental collection yields "Little Nemo," "Lord of the Rings: Two Towers," and, from Marine Security Guard stockpiles, several adult titles. Aristide seems interested in the latter, until Snowflake pointedly reminds the President he is an ex-priest. Aristide sullenly replies "Looks like I'm going to be an ex-lots of things. Let's watch "Petunia Does Port-Au-Prince."
11:20 USMC convoy ready to transport Aristide and family to airport. Departure delayed when President demands to make last radio address to nation. Chompers produces "pillowcase-shaped microphone" and covers Aristide's head with it, saying "broadcast away" before administering ceremonial blackjack slap to back of head and throwing him in the back of HUMVEE.
11:43 Convoy arrives at newly-renamed "Sullen, Machete-Wielding Thug Calls Himself Brian International Airport" and unloads VIPS. Snowflake announces 'Next stop: Central African Republic.' VIPs attempt to bolt, but are put on plane. Voluntarily. Mostly.
Remember, Kids, the part in bold is actual 100% news-flavored media product.
The rest is the fakey part.
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