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``The 76th Annual Academy Awards,'' 5:30 p.m., Ch. 7.
Comedian Billy Crystal is back for another go-round as host of this year's Oscar telecast from the Kodak Theatre in Hollywood.
Oscars Combine Expected and Unexpected
The 76th annual academy awards were a mixture of the expected and the unusual, producing more than the usual number of upsets and dark horse winners. As was expected, "Lord of the Rings" took home honors for best art direction and best visual effects, but its director, Peter Jackson, was left to applaud weakly from his chair at the announcement of the best director award, which went to Martin Brest, for "Gigli." That surprise win, along with others, was attributed to the innovation of allowing write-in votes for major categories, along with the politically motivated but pharmacologically questionable decision to print the ballots on LSD-soaked blotter paper.
The latter was almost certainly responsible for the Oscar for best short subject being awarded to "Colonoscopy of Benjamin Gleitman, Cedars-Sinai Hospital, 3/17/03," which was not only never officially entered into competition, but which was described by critics as 'utterly derivative.' Nonetheless, Dr. Emeril Fortescue was not shy about accepting, and gave a gracious acceptance speech in which he called for "lots of fiber."
Similarly, many people were shocked when the island nation of Haiti took home a statuette for its portrayal of Liberia in "Ugly Little Civil War." Even more surprising was the category - best actress in a supporting role. "Who knew Haiti was a girl?" asked Host Billy Crystal. Others, however, noted that America's treatment of Haiti over the years - abuse and neglect in equal proportions - strongly suggested Haiti was wearing the skirts in that relationship.
Not all of the awards resulted from the combination of new voting procedures and psychoactive chemicals, however. Tim Robbins surprised no one with his award for best Supporting Actor for Mystic River. The famously liberal actor even managed to make an acceptance speech without any political content, shortly after which his wife and children were released from the custody of the Department of Homeland Security.
The show overall ran smoothly, with few winners having to be "played off" by the orchestra for going on too long. The exception was Windwalker, the horse who won for Best Supporting Ungulate for his role in Seabiscuit. To be fair, Windwalker was hampered by the need for Mr. Ed to translate for him. Still, having already won once last evening for Best Sound Editing By An Animal Without Opposable Thumbs, many thought he could have kept it shorter.
Perhaps the most avidly handicapped category of the evening was Best Actor, with career chameleon Bill Murray going up against actor's actor Sean Penn. Murray won, but confounded many by repeatedly thanking the cast and crew of Mystic River, the movie for which Penn was nominated. Observes were unsure whether to credit Murray's notoriously dry sense of humor or a recent blow to the head; his attempt to sit in Penn's lap after leaving the stage did not clarify the situation. This may not have been a good move. Heavyweight producer Harvey Weinstein suggested that "being wacky in a way we understand is good, being inscrutably wacky is career-damaging." When asked why he was staring fixedly at this reporter's 'Muskrat News' fedora when he said that, "get back to your own chair, Bill."
Remember, Kids, the part in bold is actual 100% news-flavored media product.
The rest is the fakey part.
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