02.25.2004 5:50 PM EST
Wyclef Jean voiced his support for Haitian rebels on Wednesday, calling on embattled Haitian President Jean-Bertrand Aristide to step down and telling his fans in Haiti to "keep their head up" as the country braces itself for possible civil war.
"The country's in an uproar, it's not safe. But for the safety of the country and to stop the violence, it has to be a situation where he steps down," Jean, who was born in Croix-des-Bouquets, Haiti, told MTV News. "If the president steps down, there will be some form of negotiation with the opposition force."
Wyclef also asked his fans to understand that the current uprising is not simply senseless violence. "What I want people to be clear about is it's not just people chopping up people for no reason. … People want the president that is currently the state to step down."
The White House was quick to mock the statements by the popular musician as uninformed musings from the usual Hollywood crowd. "What's next-is Madonna going to start issuing opinions on WTO disputes?"
When this reporter pointed out that, for all his lack of credentials, Mr. Jean was at least a native of Haiti, and thus could be expected to have some feel for local events, the White House scoffed. "We have legions of highly-trained analysts, being fed reams of data by the State Department, the intelligence agencies, and the global media. I think they are a little better positioned to understand international events than some MTV idol."
AN MTV spokesman seemed to agree. "You know, they may be right. They certainly picked up on those WMD stockpiles in Iraq before we did. Heck, Bono didn't even think there were WMD… of course, he turned out to be right. And Beyonce Knowles was clearly just talking through her hat when she said that Colin Powell's briefing to the UN was full of holes. Of course, she turned out to be right, but hey, that's just a fluke, right?"
Professional intelligence analysts agree that they are much smarter than "a bunch of musicians." Asked how far in advance they had seen the dissolution of Haiti into a blood-drenched, free-floating frenzy of looting and rioting, one analyst said "Oh, a long … well, about four days ago." He paused, and added "We saw it on CNN."
Remember, Kids, the part in bold is actual 100% news-flavored media product.
The rest is the fakey part.
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