By DAVID M. HERSZENHORN
Published: February 24, 2004 at www.nytimes.com
State education officials yesterday released a list of 1,012 schools that had made substantial gains on statewide English and math tests, including several New York City schools in poor neighborhoods where a sizable majority of students were scoring above grade level.
State officials described the results as both real and encouraging. "These tests have not been dumbed down nor testing conditions modified to produce better scores," said Clancy Percentile of the State's Office of Optimistic Euphemizing. "Nor have the math problems been re-written to use drug weights, numbers of bullets in gun clips, and consecutive and concurrent sentences as the bases of word problems. Any suggestion to that end is a right-wing smear aimed at hard-working poor people. All of our math problems came straight from the White House 'No Child Left Behind' handbook."
Asked for an example, he gave the following sample questions:
You are working for the federal minimum wage. Your employer, a big-box retailer lured to Times Square by the gentrification of the area, provides no medical, dental, or retirement benefits. What percentage of each retail sale goes to your salary, expressed as a fraction of the percentage that goes to the CEO's salary?
a) .1
b) .01
c) .001
d) .0001, and you should be grateful to have a job
The national Labor Relations Board (NLRB) will hold a union election if 1/3 of the workers in a given store sign union interest cards. If 300 people work in the store, how many cards must be signed before the NLRB will hold an election?
a) 100
b) 30
c) 900+, because the cards keep "disappearing"
d) "I can't give you a card until I see a green card, Chico."
The army is hiring. They pay a $2,000 enlistment bonus, and will give you $4,000 for college tuition if you sign up for a three-year tour. Combat pay is an additional $75 per month. Assuming that your regular pay is spent on pornography and a new stereo, and you serve 36 months, how much will you have saved by the time your enlistment is up?
a) $8,700
b) $6,000
c) $1,600 once those Haliburton bastards realize I'll pay $30 a can for beer in an Islamic country
d) $0, after paying Jebediah in C Company $1600 to inflict a non-life threatening flesh wound to get me out of the Shiite Triangle
Finally, the president decides to boost the economy with tax cuts. The taxes on your $18,000 a year income are lowered by a total of $200. How will this boost the economy?
a) I will spend the $200 on beer and cable TV, boosting consumer demand
b) I will pool it with all of the people on my block, and we'll each own one percent of a new Honda
c) I will use the $200 to get to Canada, where at least they have health care
d) I will invest the $200 in a high-tech chip plant in Malaysia
Remember, Kids, the part in bold is actual 100% news-flavored media product.
The rest is the fakey part.
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