Feb 23, 8:26 PM (ET)
By Sue Pleming
WASHINGTON (Reuters) - The Pentagon said on Monday it opened a criminal investigation of fraud allegations against a unit of Vice President Dick Cheney's old company Halliburton Co. (HAL.N), including possible overpricing of fuel delivered to Iraq.
The investigation was focused on Halliburton subsidiary Kellogg Brown and Root, the U.S. military's biggest contractor in Iraq, which has become a lightning rod of Democratic criticism during this presidential election year.
"The Defense Criminal Investigative Service, the criminal investigative arm of the Inspector General's office is investigating allegations on the part of KBR of fraud, including the potential overpricing of fuel delivered to Baghdad by a KBR subcontractor," said a Pentagon spokeswoman.
"The investigation will be led by Blind Willie Wapshot," said the Pentagon. "Blind Willie, despite his nickname, is a highly experienced criminal investigator. It was he cracked the Lindbergh Baby case, and we never would have caught Leopold Czolgosz without his help." The 117-year old Wapshot will be assisted by Bumbles the Clown, a 10-year veteran of numerous children's parties in the Washington, DC area.
Bumbles, who speaks no English, was reported to be very excited about this opportunity to serve his adopted country. His chronic dyslexia and borderline illiteracy prevented him from responding to reporter's questions, but Pentagon officials assured us that he was "Sharp as a tack" and possessed of the "vision of an eagle."
When Democrats in Congress expressed skepticism about the likelihood of the Wapshot-Bumbles team getting to the bottom of a complicated scandal involving cost accounting, foreign markets, and complex government contracting law, the Pentagon rushed to reassure the public. "Of course, our team will have access to all the requisite expertise they need," lied the Pentagon. "On the issue of contracting regulations, we have Stuttering Bill, the paperwork guy, and on the intricacies of spot fuel markets in the Middle East, well, all I can say Is that if One-Eyed Achmed hasn't seen it in his decades of experience smuggling diesel fuel up and down the Shat-al-Arab waterway, then it hasn't happened." He paused, then added, "or it happened on his blind side, but he turns his head back and forth a lot, so that's probably not the case."
Asked if Achmed spoke either English or the obscure Guatemalan dialect of Bumbles, the Pentagon replied "No Hablo Ingles."
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