By TYLER KEPNER, www.nytimes.com
Published: February 16, 2004
The Yankees and the Texas Rangers have completed a trade that will send Alex Rodriguez to the Yankees for Alfonso Soriano and a player to be named, baseball officials said last night. The players union has approved the deal, and all that remains is Commissioner Bud Selig's approval, which is widely expected today.
Rodriguez, who turns 29 in July, is the classic five-tool player, with well above average skill in hitting, hitting for power, fielding, throwing and running. As the Yankees considered the deal last week, at least two club officials called Rodriguez the best player they had ever scouted.
"The middle of the lineup looks like: Jeter, A-Rod, Sheffield and Giambi, and Bernie fits somewhere in there," one official said. "That's not too shabby."
France immediately attempted to block the move in the UN Security Council. "The creation of a hyper-power in baseball can no more serve the long-term interests of baseball than the existence of an unaccountable American hegemony in the real world," said French UN Ambassador Pierre Francoise Marie de St Chevre, known to his colleagues as "Chuck" or "Mr. Stinkypants."
Informed by UN and MLB officials that France's UN Security Council veto does not extend to inter-league deals, de St. Chevre seemed nonplussed. "How then are we to stop this madness?" the diplomat enquired. "We have seen the global consequences of unchecked American power - how much worse will it be now that the Yankees have A-Rod? My God, the Yankees will be invading Syria next week, or at least pushing the 100-win mark by the end of the season."
Bush administration officials were reported to be torn over the news. "On the one hand, anything that concentrates an unholy amount of power in the hands of powerful, egomaniacal, ruthless, despotic elderly white men like Steinbrenner or Cheney sounds like a good thing," said White House aide Buster Buzzkill. "On the other hand, it tends to remind people of the fact that the Rangers have been mismanaged straight into the ground - overpaying for A-Rod, letting Sosa go, finishing in the cellar. It really takes the edge off the whole Presidential resume."
Indeed, the trade threatened to rraise memories of the incident last fall when Yankee owner George W. Steinbrenner accused the Boston Red Sox of "manufacturing chemical and biological agents in large quantities" and "lacing the Fenway popcorn with Sarin," charges later shown to be untrue. Despite VP Cheney's insistence that "the popcorn could have been hidden in Syria," most observers now agree with CIA inspector David Kay, who described the popcorn as "pretty much 100% nerve-gas free, as well as 100% yummy."
Nonetheless, the Yankees immediately began to flex their newfound muscle, calling for a pre-emptive attack on the Chicago Cubs for "seeking a Pitching Rotation of Mass Destruction." Rumors have abounded recently that the Cubs have been seeking the arm of Greg Maddux to round out their starting five, but Chicago officials have strongly denied any attempt to acquire nuclear weapons, designs, centrifuges, or a middle reliever from Pakistan or China. "They don't even play baseball in Pakistan," said exasperated manager Dusty Baker. "This is just an excuse for a pre-emptive attack." He also denied that Cubs starter Kerry Wood was based on a Chinese design.
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