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By Aluf Benn, Mazal Mualem and Yuval Dror
From www.haaretz.com
Prime Minister Ariel Sharon underwent non-invasive therapy at Sheba Medical Center at Tel Hashomer yesterday to smash stones in his urinary tract and was to be sent home last night for recuperation, which consists of rest.
Sharon felt some pain on Saturday night but went to work on Sunday, conducting the weekly cabinet meeting and holding working meetings with the foreign minister, defense minister and chief of staff. But by afternoon he was in such discomfort that it was decided to take him to hospital for a checkup, where the kidney stone problem was found and the treatment was decided on.
Later in the day, two Israeli helicopters fired missiles into his nephrologist's office in retaliation. "We will not tolerate these insidious terrorist mineral deposits," said a government spokesman.
A spokesstone for the mineral accretions, however, claimed the air strike had killed "Two baby kidney stones, a literacy volunteer, and a dozen kittens - and not the scrawny, raggedy kind of kittens, either - they were real cute ones, with huge, limpid eyes… oh, the horror!"
In the past, the minerals have denied responsibility for the formation of stones, blaming them on the Israeli leader's "desire to aggrandize every carbohydrate that's not nailed down." And the "illegal occupation of the buffet table in clear violation of UN Security Council resolutions 242.01 and 242.02."
Many observers feel that the conflict cannot be resolved without the intervention of the United States, or at least a qualified dietitian. The Bush administration has been reluctant to intervene in the dispute ever since the collapse of the so-called "sonogram to peace" late last year when Sharon declined to drink the recommended eight glasses of water a day in order to keep his kidneys flushed and the minerals insisted on their right to "cause excruciating urinary tract pain if we get angry, or if our breakfast is late, or whatever."
Meanwhile, the UN has continued to express its concerns over Israeli plans to build a "barrier" across Sharon's urethra.
Special Bonus LOTD:
Opportunity Rover climbs to edge of crater, takes picture of wreckage of descent stage and parachute that brought it Mars surface.
NASA believes that the small pile of leaflets and lapel buttons on the horizon may be wreckage of Dick Gephardt's presidential bid.
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The rest is the fakey part.
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