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By ROBERT PEAR
and DAVID D. KIRKPATRICK
Published: January 14, 2004
WASHINGTON, Jan. 13 - Administration officials say they are planning an extensive election-year initiative to promote marriage, especially among low-income couples, and they are weighing whether President Bush should promote the plan next week in his State of the Union address.
Transcript, Marriage Training Initiative, Unit 1,
Carswell Community Center, Oakland, CA July 1, 2005.
Good Morning! I'm Larry, and I'll be your instructor for the next two weeks. I'd like to thank you for volunteering to do your community service hours here in the inaugural Marriage Enhancement Program. We're going to learn about interpersonal skills, life planning, and sexual fidelity. I understand you people have a particular problem with the last one, so we'll spend most of week Two on that.
Our curriculum was written for us by Mr. Grover Norquist and the good people at the Heritage Foundation. Now I know what you're going to say - talking relationship advice from a 47-year old confirmed bachelor is like taking military advice from the Iraqi Army. But Mr. Norquist knows what's best for you promiscuous little buggers. And the folks at Heritage know all about low-income living, since most have a trailer park or two in their family tree.
Any questions before we start? What's that? No, of course you don't have to be Christian to take this class. We're open to heathens, Jews, Muslims, and Pagans. We're just talking about marriage, not salvation. That course starts next month, and will be mandatory for those of you who haven't had your illegitimate pups baptized yet.
OK, a few ground rules. I don't want to here anyone refer to their partner as their "Beeyotch." Such a term is not conducive to the egalitarian atmosphere of a successful long-term relationship. Plus, for the next two weeks, you are all my beeyotches. Also, don't forget to provide a urine sample before you leave today. I know you people like your crack, but… yes? What do I mean 'you people'? Well, you know - people… like … you… people who have trouble with the traditional family… PUT THAT CHAIR DOWN!... Dammit, this is why you latte-sippers can't maintain a marriage!
OK, we need to adjourn while Mr. hair trigger temper gets over being maced. Come back next week, and no adultery or partner-swapping until then. Next week, we'll cover toothpaste-squeezing, chore sharing and tax cuts.
Remember, Kids, the part in bold is actual 100% news-flavored media product.
The rest is the fakey part.
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