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As we reported yesterday, the staff of this newspaper was recently treated to a free holiday stay at the Guantanamo bay Detention Facility. Copy Boy and police stringer Thurgood Barnstable McWhoop IV took close notes on the experience.
12/23 Woken at 0200 by Federal Agents telling me I have been selected to be "embedded" in the prison population at Guantanamo. Unable to call AP embed coordination center, as telephone lines seem to be down.
12/24 Arrived at Camp X-Ray late after long flight inside burlap bag. Asked about Midnight Mass Services. Told by shaven-headed Marine PFC with Southern accent that "you Muslims don't celebrate Christmas." Attempted to explained that I was not Muslim, but PFC not listening. No tree or stockings in cage, either. Sang a few verses of "O Come All Ye Faithful," until guards turned hose on my cage.
12/25 Guards gave me bright orange jumpsuit as Christmas present. Tried to fashion origami stork from toilet paper to reciprocate. Foiled by tropical humidity. Ended day with Rousing rendition of "Joy to the World." Guards turned hose on cage.
12/26 Repeatedly questioned by man speaking what sounded like Arabic. Explained I knew only English and high-school Spanish. Realized my explanation would be useless if he only spoke Arabic, so tried charades, at which point guards beat me, returned me to cage, and turned hose on me. So-called "tropical" base surprisingly chilly when onshore breezes hit drenched jumpsuit.
12/28-12/30 No more questioning. Attempted to pass time by reading Gideon Bible, but all cell contained was Gideon Koran.
12/31 No party, no countdown. Tried to explain that, as I was not Muslim, I could have some champagne, but he just spit tobacco juice on my jumpsuit. Beginning to suspect "embedding" is actually detention. Realize some kind of terrible mistake must have been made. Must clear this up ASAP. But how?
1/01/04 Explained my situation to a visibly hung over guard. Cage hosed. Changed tack, and explained that I "decided to talk" and wanted to speak to interrogator. Transported to interrogation unit inside burlap bag. To interrogator, explained I was innocent, and would prove it by answering any and all questions. Spent sixteen hours providing data on editorial policy, contact with Arab journalists and sources, and paper's ballistic missile program. Explained I didn't know of any missiles under development in the office, but the Sports and National desks often have their own projects. By the time I got taken back to my cage, I had missed the evening hose-down, and guards refused to reschedule.
1/2 Placed in Burlap bag and returned to newsroom. Rest of staff are back as well, except for Sports and National Desk editors.
Remember, Kids, the part in bold is actual 100% news-flavored media product.
The rest is the fakey part.
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